jeans day

jeans day comes every friday, it makes fridays great. Its not just wearing casual clothes that makes it great, its also the attitude that comes along with dressing down....

unless you quit and give 2 weeks notice.

Then jeans day is every day!

Conversation ending phrases

I know, I'm a bad blogger.....oh well, I'm back.
There are so many 'stop and chats' at the office. You are constantly bumping into people and of course, need to converse. I'm not complaining, just observing. If you have a conversation at the office with someone, there never seems to be a definate end to the conversation. It just seems to fade away. Once it gets to the point where there is a pause, or the topic is exhausted and no other topic is introduced you usually continue on your way back to do your work. But on what note do you leave and create at least a bit of closure. Well, I have been comprising a list of conversation ending phrases that people, me included, say while walking away/ending a conversation at the office.

• .....sounds good
• ....sooooo...... ok
• yup, so, yeah......we'll see then
  
• ....alright....
• yuuup,

For example, here is an example of a typical office conversation I may have:
(me) "... so this large women is completely getting off from being tied up and dressed in nothing but a metal sheath while her tits are being electricuted by some chick and a guy is behind her whipping her ass; all in front of a huge crowd of people who are staring while her husband is standing there holding her coat.....crazy eh?"

(someone else) ".... yeah, wow...... alright then"

These are always slow and drawn out. "Yup...... so...... yeah.... we'll see" while slowly walking away. It's probably just me.

Well, I have devised a few more phrases I will use in my last 2 weeks of work to throw people off. Being inappropriate at the office is great. Suggestions are welcomed.

• fuck yeah
• im going for a dump, we will continue this later
• im going to look at porn
• smell my finger. ok see ya

so....thats it....alright then, sounds good....yeah....
....

ok.......

factors of immaturity

After a long day at the office, Mondays and Wednesdays, I head over to the high school where I am now teaching Calculus. I only have two students so it’s not such a huge shocker to the system; seeing as how I have never taught high school before. It’s definitely a bit different, but still pretty fun. At least I am interacting with humans not of the office race.

A funny thing happened during class on Monday. I was writing an ever so exciting note on the board explaining how to do long division of polynomials when my students started giggling. I asked if I was missing something. The one kid goes “look how you wrote ‘factor’”.

In my defence, I was stretching across the board, I have writing like a six year old and I was a little tired after a long day at the office. All of these factors (pun intended) contributed to the transformation of the word factor. I clearly wrote ‘fucker’. They are pretty similar words so its not really shocking; just pretty immature. I laughed with them and I think we bonded.

Top Ten Things That Sound Dirty at the Office, But Aren't:

10. I need to whip it out by 5.
9. Mind if I use your laptop.
8. Put it in my box before I leave.
7. If I have to lick one more, I'll gag!!.
6. I want it on my desk, NOW.
5. HMMMMMMMMMM.....I think it's out of fluid.
4. My equipment is so old it takes forever to finish.
3. It's an entry-level position.
2. When do you think you'll be getting off today?

AND #1...

1. It's not fair...I do all the work while he just sits there.

Thanks Peder!

thats not a leg

So here’s the story about this. Some graphics guy at ikea was a bit disgruntled and evidently wanted to get himself fired. At his job he was responsible for many of the images in ikea's catalogue. The ever-popular ikea catalogue; essential to modern urban living.

Check out the excitement on this nice family dog. Nope, that’s not a leg there. So go look under your coffee table now and find the ikea catalogue, you will see that this dogs super huge human penis was sent to every house in North America. Yes this guy got fired.

Always in the middle of it

NOPE, my host organization in Kenya, hosted the National conference on peer education and HIV and AIDS back in June. I stuck around to help them out. One of their distinguished guests was none other than the Vice President of Kenya Arthur Moody Awori . After the days presentations, he was touring the display areas where he was greeted by NOPE director Philip Waweru and 2 YPEER representatives. The conference marked the official launch of the UN sponsored international youth network YPEER. An important day for many of the delegates in attendance at the three day conference. I snapped this shot of the event.


This photo below was just recently sent to me from a friend in Kenya. It was published in the FHI newsletter and forwarded to FHI employees. It was apparantly the best photo they took of the remarkable moment for the birth of their organization in Kenya. As you can see in the forground of the picture, it was also televised. I think you can see me in the background.

life of a computer guy

some user - "what happened to my laptop? could it be a virus?"

Me - "I don't think thats a virus."

some user - "What do you think happened to it?"
innder dialogue - hhhmmmm..... you have an angry german for a son (see earlier blog entry).

me - "the screen was broken"

some user - "can you fix it?"

me - "sure can, you need a new screen"

inner dialogue - My professional opinion? kill your son or no son then seek help. Not the kind offered by the help desk.

My favorite:
pager - "prob#### -> go see so and so, they cannot connect to the network"

inner dialogue - hmm, what could it be.... I will go see what I can do.

Me - "Hi so and so how are you?..... "

inner dialogue - (look at computer, notice bright blue network cable laying unplugged accross the keyboard)

me - "I think I see the problem"

inner dialogue - (its not with the network)

My job is great!

softball or masturbation?

I have been playing co-ed softball in the Toronto Sport and Social Club this summer. It has been pretty fun with 1 major exception; we always loose. There were a few close games but we were rarely in command of the game. The regular season closed last week and of course we ended in absolute last place. There were other mediocer teams, but none as decisivly shitty as us. We sucked huge.

This past monday was what we thought to be the playoffs. We showed up to learn that only the top 4 teams made the playoffs and that our last game was a complimentary 'fun game' for the 2 worst teams. The other team, composed of a bunch of single people(didn't previously know one another before playing), only had like 5 people show up. Meanwhile, our entire over-staffed team was there and over-eager for our first win. To preserve our efforts of traveling all the way to the park, we gave the other team 3 of our players so that we could still play a game.

Never was there a chance as good as this for 'pretzel' victory (our forced team name is 'and here come the pretzels'.... yes, it starts with 'and'). We were off to an exceptionally crappy start and that trend continued through the game. I will spare the embarrasing details, but we ended up loosing 10-2 to the team of misfits. Its been true in all previous outings, but this time with our players on the other team, it was literal; we were beating ourselves. Otherwise know as masturbation.

Diet Coke + Mentos

too funny

My Cubicle

funny, thanks peder

live vicariously through google earth

The office can be a depressing place. Cubicle walls, monitors, meetings and what what. I try not to be too cynical but can only last so long. If you have not yet, get google earth. It is fantastic.

For those unable to travel the world while stuck in the office, you can at least see the satellite images of the places you wish you were. Walk the great wall of China with your mouse (look out for carpal tunnel), find your childhood home, sit on top of a mountain and look at the 3D terrain (from mount kenya you can see Kilemandjaro, in both real life and in google earth).

This is a screen shot of my house in nairobi. wicked!

German Kid angry with his computer - With Subtitles

This is seriously nuts, what the hell is this kid on.

what the hell is in my coffee?

I was walking past ‘leadership lane’ the other day at the office, it intersects with ‘water cooler way’ where I was getting myself a refreshing beverage, when I began to think about how my attitude has changed since I began work back at the office. I realized quite clearly that attitude is a little thing that makes a big difference. I began trying to visualize having a positive attitude all the time and how it would make such a big difference at work and in my everyday life. On pondering my previous thought I could not think of why I came up with such a redundant, obvious statement in my mind at that moment. I asked myself ‘why the hell can’t I be bitter sometimes? What if I spill my beer?’ But I received no response. After shaking off that little attack from my subconscious I hung a left at ‘technology terrace’ and began to walk back to my newly renovated office. Our new room houses the entire ‘computer guy’ team. I began to think about how this beautiful location is very conducive to a healthy team environment. My subconscious poked out again and told me that ‘teamwork is the ability to work together toward a common vision and is the fuel that allows common people to attain uncommon results’. With this strange realization I wanted to hug my fellow computer comrades. I saw quite clearly for the first time that without each other, people would have to fix their own computers. Together we can solve any issue, no matter how stupid the users are or how many of us it takes us to plug in a keyboard.

On my journey home later that day I was sitting on the subway staring into mindlessness when it hit me. Success is not a destination, it is a journey. That very journey I had embarked upon was success, to commute across the city to get my ass home. All along I had been thinking that success would be sitting on the couch in front of the television with a can of beer in my hand; but alas, the subway, the journey is success. Then I became totally confused and angry at my mind for telling me such stupid things. How the hell is the subway success? and why the hell have I started to loose my mind? What they fuck are they putting in our coffee anyway?

watch you don't roast your nuts

A very hivi hivi Canada day weekend as the smog engulfed the city. I drank a few too many beers like I am supposed to do, but I don't feel that much more Canadian, just hung over. Maybe that is it though. I do like the extra day off work.

The coolest part of the weekend was when I was partying with my buddy Chris at his pals place. Some crazy guy at the party had no pants on and wanted to go to the roof of the building to go 'fire dancing'. Most people were thinking 'yeah, what the hell are you smokin no pants?' but others armed themselves with buckets of water (like the responsible Canadians they are) and we all charged up to the roof. From the top of this guys building, 15th floor or so, with the Toronto skyline in the background, this guy whipped 2 balls of fire attached to chains around his head and body really fast-like without wearing any pants. It was crazy and also really cool. Poa sana. I will try for some pics and definately get a link to this guys website.

I also went to see the band 'the deers' the whole time drinking lots of beers. This has the makings of a stupid poem but I will leave it alone. It was pretty fun though.

Always a Kenyan

Well, my first week back at work after spending 8 months in Africa is about an hour away from being completed. I must admit, the transition has been a little easier than I expected it would be. Things are much easier when you look at them from an African perspective. I think I just appreciate things a lot more. First off, if you look at it from an African perspective, I am getting paid pretty well. I earn in a day what many in Kenya do in a month. I think when you are able to put that into perspective you really appreciate it that much more. I’m not saying that I am overpaid, that would be silly give me more dammit, I just feel that I am able to really appreciate money now (even though I havn’t had a pay cheque yet). That also does not mean I won’t just blow it on beer, but that I just appreciate the beer so much more.

I also enjoy what I do. Although most people around here will tell you different, things are so organized and efficient here. I can’t get over it. I just want to take Njuguna (my colleague in Kenya) to work with me for just one day. He would have a freak out about all the cool stuff we have and how we are really using technology. Its usefulness is comparable to hunting a squirrel with a bazooka, but regardless it’s pretty cool; Da Boys need their toys even at the office. When I worked here before many things would stress me out. I think it is easy to convince yourself that things are more important than they actually are. After living in Kenya for so long I think it is easier to determine what is important, and what is worth stressing over. Surely nothing at the office is worth stressing over. I actually told some stressball women that was freaking out ‘eh, hakuna matata’. This African attitude really is making life much easier. I think I will remain a Kenyan.

It starts here

This blog is intended to be an outlet for my sick sense of humor and to ensure that I don't get completely sucked in. It will hopefully help me to maintain my sanity while I adjust back to the corporate culture that occupies our lives at work. I will report on the little things about life in an office that I find a little off and then I will poke fun at them.

Tomorrow is my first day at work so it all starts then. I have seen no mention of any sort of blog humor being unacceptable anywhere in my contract so I am clear to continue with this stupid stunt. There is something in there about confidential information and what what, but I don't plan on revealing any of that.... only stupid, useless stuff.